Merchandise
by ImplicationsProblematic
Summary: Shepard has fans. And where there are fans there's merchandise. A lot of it. Dumb fluffy humour drabble. I make no excuses for myself. This made me laugh and squee. NOW WITH COVER ART by the amazing AEMcDuff


"What the hell is that?"

Shepard thrust a finger past Joker's ear.

"What?" said the pilot innocently. "Oh, that?"

"Yes. _That_."

Joker picked up the object in question, removing from its spot on the dashboard between two plastic dinosaurs.

"**This**, is my _Combat_—_Ready Commander Shepard N7 Strike Force Action Figure."_

Shepard stared incredulously.

"Look," grinned Joker, after a few seconds of silence. "She glows!"

Sure enough, the doll began to emit a blue shimmer; the miniature omni—tool, she noted, also lit up.

Joker watched her mouth fall open, clearly enjoying himself.

"Does it…" she finally managed. "It doesn't talk does it?"

"Nah,"

But Shepard's relief was short lived.

"But she _does_ have karate chop action!"

"I don't even know karate!" she spluttered.

"Yeah well your hair never looks that good either, but what are you gonna do?"

Shepard stalked away, scowling furiously, but took the time to knock off the smug pilot's cap.

"See you Commander," she heard him call as the doors closed behind her.

—

She could hear them from the elevator.

Stepping out into the crew deck, Shepard turned the corner and found most of her crew waiting.

"Okay, I play my warp…" Liara threw a card across the mess table at Traynor. "And then repair the transmitter with," he counted out three more "6 units of omni—gel. HA!"

"Hold up," Kaidan sat further along the table, examining a small booklet. "It says here that you can only play omni-gel and other support cards at the start of your turn, _unless_ you also possess one of the_ 'Matriarch's Blessing'_ event cards…"

"HA!" cried Traynor. "So then I play my '_Zero G Power Up'_ with three inferno grenade cards and…"

"You have **definitely** played this before Traynor,"

_"__What the hell are you doing_?"

The crowd at the table, players and audience, turned to Shepard who glared at them, arms stiffly folded.

"Just a quick round of _The Official Commander Shepard Trading Card Game_." Liara said innocently.

"The **what**?"

"It's a good game," said Garrus from his seat next to the Specialist. It was only then that Shepard noticed that the scarred side of his face was covered in brightly coloured, children's plasters and bandages featuring small cartoon Commander Shepards and Normandys.

"It is," agreed Tali, before Shepard had finished processing the Turian's new accessories. "And the cards fit perfectly in my new lunchbox, see?"

She waved a small metal box by the handle. Shepard was horrified, but not surprised, to see that she featured on this item too. A stylised, _borderline cute_ drawing of Shepard stood determinedly on a starry background.

"Hey Lola," called James from the other end of the table. "Like my new ink?" he held out his left arm proudly.

"_Temporary Tattoos?_" she said slowly, eying the bright designs in dismay. "They actually make—"

"Oh they make _everything_," Kaidan grinned. "Like this little guy," He reached under the table and threw what he found to her. It was a dark brown, stuffed teddy bear wearing a tshirt proudly emblazoned with an image of the SR2.

Shepard stared into its eyes.

"Where did you find this stuff?" she asked blankly, without looking up.

"Well we have a damn fine Requisitions Officer don't we?" Garrus' voice had a smug sub-vocal hum.

Shepard's head jerked up to find Steve, who had been silent thus far. He broke her eye contact guiltily and looked down at his coffee.

Which he drank from a Commander Shepard mug.

"I will have you court-marshalled." She fumed, voice raising. "I will have you ALL, **court-marshalled**!"

"Oh come on Shep," Tali laughed.

"Does this mean you won't sign my poster?" Liara pouted.

She span on her heels and stomped towards the elevator, not noticing that the toy was still under her arm- but Kaidan did.

"You're keeping the bear then?"

Their raucous laughter followed her as she pounded the button for her cabin.

—

"Shep?"

Sat on the bed, she looked up from her report as Kaidan walked down the steps towards her. The Major was sporting that stupid smile that only appeared when she was sulking about something. She could feel his look starting to melt away her frown, so she redoubled her efforts. He laughed, knowing, of course, exactly what she was doing. He sat down beside her, plucking the report from her hands with minimal resistance. She didn't move into him, but neither did she avoid him when he leant to kiss her cheek.

"Shep," he said quietly. "It's not really that surprising that there's merchandise, is it?"

"_Hmph_."

"You knew you had fans."

She finally turned to him.

"That's the point," she sighed. "I shouldn't have 'fans'. _Soldiers_ shouldn't have fans. I **kill** people Kaidan- all the time!"

"You kill the bad guys Shep," he put a consoling arm around her shoulder.

"Not always—and that's not the point! The point is-"

"That what you do is a means to an end and not a fantasy to sell to children."

She nodded, relieved that he understood- but of course he did. He was _Kaidan_. He always did.

"I know," she started. "—I know I'm doing the best I can. I'm not an idiot—but the fact is…" Shepard sighed. "—this isn't the sort of shit they should pushing at kids… Yeah kids play at being soldiers and stuff- but this is… _different_."

"Yeah, I get that…" he stroked her arm slowly. "Why don't we just focus on saving the galaxy right now and we'll deal with unauthorised use of your image later."

She hummed her agreement and nuzzled into him.

"I wonder if Conrad Verner knows about this stuff." She huffed.

"He's probably the one who makes it." Kaidan laughed.

"Urgh," she groaned. "_My Number One Fan_."

The Major shifted indignantly next to her.

"_He's_ not your number one fan,"

"Oh no?" she raised an eyebrow. "So it's Vega then?"

"Nope."

Shepard purred happily as his lips met that sweet spot on her neck that only he could find.

"Don't start anything you're not going to finish Alenko."

"Who says I'm starting something?" his lips continued to move blissfully against her throat until she let out a growl and flipped him onto his back. She repaid his earlier attentions, smiling as he happily gave into her. For a while at least.

"Shepard wait,"

She backed off, letting him sit up.

"What is it?" she asked, concerned.

With a sheepish grin, Kaidan reached towards the bedside table and turned the Normandy Teddy Bear to face the wall.

"You are the most ridiculous man I've ever met." Shepard laughed, shoving him back down onto the bed.

"Mmmm," he hummed, "But you love me for it."

"Yeah," she gasped as he ran his tongue lightly along her collarbone. "I'm your number one fan."

++++++++I know, I know. Cheesiest ending ever.

But come on, this was never going to have a clever, classy resolution.  
I take comfort in the knowledge that this wasn't *quite* as dumb as the fic I wrote about them watching The Lion King.  
Hope it brought a smile to someone somewhere.++++++


End file.
